Say Goodbye, Pet
by I Call Him Fred
Summary: That horrible night when Sirius finds Lily and James in their destroyed home. Oneshot.


**a/n: I don't own Harry Potter. **

Sirius Black rocked his chair back on two legs. He puffed out his cheeks and blew his fringe out of his eyes. His fingers beat a tattoo into Remus's kitchen table, until he sighed and allowed his chair to fall back onto all four legs.

"Prongs and Wormtail should be here by now," he muttered. Remus looked up from his book, something about the finer points of something called an Erumpet. His eyes, sunken and encircled by dark due to the fast-approaching full moon, regarded Sirius tiredly.

"Don't worry, Padfoot. I'm sure they just got held up somewhere," he said, and pulled the threadbare blanket ever tighter around his thin frame. "After all, they did have to perform the Secret Keeper charm on Peter. There might have been complications."

"But there shouldn't have been complications! Peter is our best friend, for Merlin's sakes." Sirius dragged a hand through his long hair, a nervous habit picked up from James, and fidgeted with the little toy snitch that he had bought for Harry. The feathery wings beat softly against his fingers and he let it go. It fluttered over to the faux plant in the corner, only a fraction slower than the real thing, and seemed to hide behind the large plastic leaves.

Remus smiled sadly, face drawn and pale in the flickering fire light. "This is somewhat of a tradition isn't it?"

Sirius smiled a small smile back, but his mind was on the Potters as Remus continued, and as he wondered, for the millionth time that night, if he really should have proffered his plan to keep his best friend and his family safe.

"Padfoot?"

Sirius looked up from where his fingers fidgeted nervously in his lap. "Sorry. Wasn't listening."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I said, coming here and watching me wither into a hairy creature of the night seems to be an unspoken tradition now. I suppose it's like going to the circus?"

Sirius smiled and laughed, but even to his own ears it sounded strained. His attention returned to his twitching hands.

"Sirius."

"Hmm?"

"You're not still worried about Peter and James, are you?" Sirius was silent. He heard Remus let out an exasperated sigh. "Padfoot, they're fine. Peter will be a good Secret Keeper." Sirius looked up, and was once again surprised at how frail and wan his friend looked. He must have seemed doubtful, for Remus continued. "That was a rather ingenious plan. I wouldn't have come up with it."

Sirius exhaled heavily. "That's the thing, Moony," he said, poking a finger through the hole in his left sleeve. "I didn't come up with it." Remus sat up straighter. "Peter suggested it." The muffled thump of Remus's book hitting the rug made Sirius look up. His friend stared at him with a stunned look on his face.

"Peter? I—oh, Merlin."

Sirius nodded. "He more like hinted at it, but it would have taken someone as dense as Goyle not to figure it out."

Remus seemed to be over his initial shock, and retrieved his book from the floor. "Well, Peter must have really thought that through, goodness knows—"

"Oh, don't give me that rubbish!" Snapped Sirius, as he stood up and began to pace in front of the fire. "How would Peter come up with something like that?"

"Are you saying that Peter isn't smart enough to make up a plan to try and help his friends?" Remus asked sharply. Sirius threw an incredulous glance in his direction.

"This is Peter we're talking about!"

Remus was silent.

"Who do we know that would love to know where Lily and James are? Who would infiltrate the people who they trust the most? Who would do that, Moony?" Sirius whirled around to glare at Remus's prone figure, still on the couch. "Who would sell his soul for power?"

Remus turned his face away.

Sirius took two long strides across the room and grabbed Remus by the shoulders. He gave him a shake. "Moony. You know who would. I know you do."

Remus looked back at his friend. "You don't think Peter's a _Death Eater_?"

Sirius ran a hand through his dark hair again. "I don't know what to think anymore." He dropped onto the couch beside Remus.

"I suppose it is a very good plan, and sly at that," said Remus, "And if Peter is a Death Eater, which he very well may _not_ be, it would be an excellent way for Voldemort to get to Lily and James."

Sirius buried his face in his hands before springing up and moving to the fireplace. Remus didn't look up until he had a handful of Floo powder (Apparation was used strictly during emergencies these days and James's fireplace was secured against all wizards meaning him harm) and was about to step in the fire.

"Sirius?"

He turned. "Moony?"

Remus watched him and his eyes seemed to scorch into his mind. "Be careful, Padfoot."

Sirius smiled, before saluting Remus seriously. "I will, Moony. As careful as I can." Sirius turned, and the last thing he saw before the emerald flames engulfed him was Remus's pinched face, plaintive and looking quite like a fourteen-year-old boy again.

The next thing he knew, he was lying, sprawled, on Remus's hearth rug. He rolled onto his back and groaned. Remus hauled him to his feet. Sirius shook his head to clear it.

"What happened?" Asked Remus, hands on Sirius's shoulders. "Why didn't that work?"

Sirius wiped his face with his hands, not much caring in he smudged soot all over it. "Moony, the only reason I can think of is that their link to the Floo Network was severed."

"James wouldn't do that," Remus worried, face paling even further, "so—"

"Something must have happened." Sirius said, already fumbling about in his robes for his wand. "I'm going." The panic was bubbling up in his chest, and clawing its way up his throat.

"Sirius—you don't know—it could be a trap. Or there might be a perfectly logical explanation."

Sirius stopped dead, and stared at Remus. His disbelief was tangible. "Moony. These are the lives of James and Lily." He said slowly, as if speaking to a particularly dim child.

"But—"

"I don't care. I don't care. I'm going. You can't stop me!" muttered Sirius, desperation welling up inside him like a pot about to boil over, making him want to scream and scream and scream…

Remus dropped his hands. "I'm not going to try and stop you," he said, observing Sirius quietly. "I want to come with you."

"No you will not! The moon is full tomorrow!"

"Padfoot—"

"_No_! I don't want to risk you, too."

Remus regarded him wearily, and sighed. "All right." But as Sirius raised his wand to Apparate, he cried, "Wait!"

Sirius opened his eyes, and quirked an eyebrow questioningly.

"Just-oh, Padfoot-just be careful."

Sirius nodded, knowing full well he could be walking to his death. There was a pause, and an aching lump in his throat, just like the time he'd thrown a rock at his cousin Andromeda and thought he'd killed her. "I will, Moony, old friend. Don't go missing me too much."

Remus snorted. "Don't worry, I won't. I wouldn't be able to pine after such a useless, odious lump of dragon dung."

The two young men grinned broadly at one another, despite the pressing circumstances. Sirius pulled Remus into a one-armed hug, and said, gruffly, "Off I go, then, saving James's neck again…" and, with a little 'pop', Disapparated.

* * *

Reflecting on this night in the many lonely years to come, Sirius would come to realize how lucky he was that James and Lily lived in a wizarding community. Somehow, he wasn't sure the muggles would quite appreciate a crazed madman appearing out of thin air, only to stumble in a fearful panic down the street because he miscalculated in his anxiety. As it was, many young families clutched their children closer and scurried out of his way. He paid them no notice. All that mattered was James and Lily and Harry… 

_But maybe they were all right,_ he thought hopefully, _maybe James and Peter were held up somewhere and the fireplace was blocked for a perfectly good reason that would become apparent when he stormed up the Potters' carefully manicured front lawn, ducked under the low-hanging branches of the large oak trees, and took care not to trample Lily's precious rosebushes. Maybe, when he banged frantically on the heavy front door, Lily would come to the door, peer out cautiously before letting him in, and angrily inform him that he had woken Harry, who had been fussing all night and she and James had just gotten him to fall asleep. James and Peter had just Floo-ed to Remus's, and that was why the fire had been blocked; they had all tried to Floo at the same time. And Peter had stayed for tea after the ceremony, that's why he'd been late. Yes, that's it,_ Sirius's hysterical brain tried to convince him, _they're all fine. Perfectly fine._

But when he rounded the corner onto James's ridiculously big first property to find an enormous mound of rubble where his best friend's house used to stand, and everything bathed in an ethereal green glow cast from the vast, grinning skull hanging in the sky above what was left of the family home, something burst inside of Sirius. The fear and panic and desperation that had been bottled up inside him for what seemed like forever was let out in a scream that seemed to rip through the air. The unearthly spell was shattered.

Sirius, abandoning all care and caution and sense, darted up the rubble-strewn lawn and crashed through the mess. They could still be all right, couldn't they? Maybe, by some miracle, James had survived…or Lily… or Harry…

But when he stumbled through the chaos that used to be a sitting room, he knew no one could be alive. Vaguely, he wondered why the house had been blown to pieces when only a killing curse was needed, but this thought was instantly banished from his mind to see, protruding from under the armchair that used to sit by the fire, the chair that Sirius would sit in and bounce Harry on his lap, a hand, clutching a wand loosely.

Such a familiar hand.

Sirius tripped over himself to the big red chair, and flipped it away from the person underneath with one hand, coughing violently from the dust this motion created.

James.

Sirius felt as if his heart was rent in two. James. Prongs. Sirius dropped to his knees. James's hazel eyes were open and stared in glazed horror over Sirius's shoulder at something no live eyes could see. His round glasses, as much his trademark as a vision aid, were shattered, little bits of glass sticking in the skin around his eyes. Dust caked the messy black hair that could never be tamed, and his mouth was open as if about to shout a warning.

Sirius pressed a hand to his mouth firmly, as if, somehow, that could keep the grief and disbelief from tearing itself free of his chest and ripping through the air. His chest rose and fell erratically. He shook his head, shaggy hair whipping his eyes, stinging his cheeks.

_No, no, no…_

Sirius's best friend for as long as he could remember. The boy who invited him to sit with him, that first night at Hogwarts, at the Gryffindor table, such a disgrace! The rest of his family was proudly Slytherin. Yet this boy, James, he said, was nicer than any of his Slytherin cousins, and he did help him prank cousin Bellatrix on the train…and the pale boy was with him, too. The quiet one, Remus, who had been reading the book about Gillyweed was now offering up a seat by the first boy, who was attempting to flirt with the cute little redhead with a saddle of freckles across the bridge of her nose. Lily. The boy was grinning, hazel eyes sparkling, black hair whipping in the wind after a triumphant Quidditch game…

Sirius wasn't thinking clearly, and he knew it. His hands gripped his friend's shoulders in a vice like grip, and shook him furiously. James's head lolled about limply like a rag doll's.

"James!" Sirius said, forcefully, "Wake up! Wake up, damn it!" His voice cracked. "Please, Prongs. Please wake up…" Sirius bit his tongue so hard that it bled, mouth tasting salty and sour and sweet, bloody and full of bile.

_My fault my fault my fault…_

He pressed his friend's lifeless body to him and buried his face in the dusty hair. He rocked back and forth, and whimpered more than once. Sirius laid James down and wrapped his arms around himself.

He made the transition to the shaggy black dog easily, as if the disguise was a second skin he could slip into to escape. The great dog snuffled about the still body, pushing his muzzle into one cold hand. A large pink tongue poked around the stiff face and one enormous paw, for a second almost human-like, brushed gently over the wide staring eyes. They closed softly.

The dog's large grey eyes were mournful and his tail between his legs as he slunk over to what used to be a nursery. The oak crib, that had taken James and Sirius so long to figure out how to assemble, was lying in shambles on the floor, splinters caught in the carpet and in the crimson red hair spread out like a fan behind a pale, pale face.

Lily.

Sirius spread his dog's body over Lily's torso, and saw the horrified expression in the frozen green eyes. But there was something there also. That stubborn defiance that he knew so well. And love. Love for her son, and for her husband, who died to try and save her. The man sprawled out downstairs, lifeless. With startling gentleness, a rough tongue moistened the dead woman's cheek.

Sirius turned his attention to the fact that his godson must be somewhere around. He had to find him. Even though he was sure that the sight of the little boy's limp body would break him. His nose pushed around in the wreckage on the ground, finally finding the familiar, little boy smell. He trailed it desperately, not even daring to hope.

But there! Movement, stirring up dust. Front paw suspended in midair, frozen, unable to quash the incredible hope inflating inside of him, threatening to make his heart explode, Sirius paused, eyes trained on what revealed itself to be a small, shaggy black head. A little boy in blue pyjamas, dragging a stick behind him. Sparkling green eyes, so much like his mother's.

Harry.

Sirius could not contain himself any longer. A joyous bark erupted from him, and he raced off towards the boy, stumbling in his hurry.

Harry turned towards Sirius, hearing his pounding paws scrabbling through the rubble. He gave a delighted cry of "Pafoo!" and opened his arms as wide as they could go.

Sirius barreled, full speed, towards Harry. Unable to control himself, he bounded around the little boy, tongue nearly drenching him. Harry giggled in ecstatic pleasure, small hands clutching Sirius's black coat.

Sirius transformed back to a human, tangled immediately about his godson. He buried his nose in the little boy's hair and laughed elatedly. Halfway through smothering Harry's scrunched up face with kisses, avoiding the great lightning-bolt shaped cut on his forehead, mirth turned to sorrow, and he started to sob.

It was a strange feeling, crying. Sirius could not remember feeling so wretched ever before. His heart ached, and his throat seemed like it would close up and he would choke to death. At least it would be before Voldemort came andgot him himself.

Harry's chubby little fingers poked Sirius in the nose. Watery grey eyes met serious green ones.

"Pafoo crying?"

Sirius clutched Harry to him and stood up. It required and amazing amount of effort.

"Yes, pet, Padfoot's crying."

"Why?"

"Padfoot is very sad right now. Your–" Sirius struggled to find words that Lily wouldn't chastise him for saying in front of Harry, and remembered that Lily couldn't ever reprimand him now, and very nearly started off bawling again. "Harry, your…uncle Peter did a bad thing. A very bad thing. Now you need to come and live with Padfoot."

The small boy clapped his hands together in excitement and squeaked happily, a motion that almost broke Sirius's already shattered heart.

Harry's clear, open face clouded over, dark eyebrows scrunching over his nose. "Mum and Da?"

Sirius choked. "Mum and Da can't come on this trip, pet."

The sudden sound of approaching footsteps startled both Sirius and Harry. Sirius shifted Harry so his small body was shielded from view, and whipped his wand out. The tip didn't quaver as it was pointed firmly in the direction of a large shadow looming closer from under the crabapple tree. Beetle black eyes glinted mournfully as a familiar voice said,

"'Lo, Sirius."

Sirius sighed in obvious relief. "Hagrid."

Hagrid stepped out from under the tree, his massive form blocking out the light from the street lamp across the road. "I 'eard from Dumbledore…'bout James an' Lily…I can' believe it, Sirius."

Sirius merely nodded. A fat tear squeezed out of Hagrid's eye and coursed down his cheek.

"Sirius, I'm sorry, but Dumbledore needs Harry. 'E says that Harry will be better off with 'is aunt and uncle."

Sirius's arms clamped around the small body of his godson. "His aunt and uncle? Hagrid, has Dumbledore ever met these people? I've seen Lily reduced to tears by them! Lily!"

The very mention of Lily set Hagrid off blubbering. It was a minute before he calmed down enough to say, "I'm sorry, Sirius. I told Dumbledore, I told 'im that you wouldn't be 'appy but you know Dumbledore…'E thinks it'll be good for 'arry. 'E won't grow up surrounded with glory, Dumbledore says."

"That's rubbish!" exploded Sirius, "Bloody hell, Hagrid!"

"Sirius…"

"I know what I'm doing, Hagrid! Harry will be fine with me!" Sirius turned on his heel and stalked away. He could hear Hagrid following him but he didn't care, couldn't do anything but concentrate on the roaring in is ears.

"Th' ministy's convinced you did it, Sirius."

Sirius's world stopped. "What?"

"Th' ministry is on their way here, Sirius. They think you sold Lily an' James out to Voldemort."

"Hagrid, stop talking rubbish. Why would I do this?" Sirius flung his arm towards the wreckage, on the brink of just running away, escaping from this mess. He and Harry could go to America maybe…and he could find work…and raise Harry on his own…

"Sirius, you know that 'arry would 'ave a better childhood if he didn't 'ave to run from the ministry all th' time."

Sirius gave up at this point. His chin dropped onto Harry's head.

"Could I- could I take a moment to say goodbye then?"

Hagrid nodded, and looked around nervously, as though expecting the ministry to swoop down upon them at any minute. Sirius turned, and clearing a spot on the grass next to the wide trunk of an oak tree, settled down with Harry held up so they could see each other eye to eye.

"Harry, pet…" Sirius's voice broke and he swallowed with difficulty against the lump in his throat. "Harry, you can't come live me after all. But you can go with that nice man Hagrid, over there. See him? The big man. He's not as scary as he looks. Trust me, I don't want to let go of you for a second, but I don't have a choice."

Harry opened his mouth, but Sirius shushed him gently.

"Harry, don't let anyone ever tell you that I didn't love you or you parents. I do love you. So much. And so did your parents. Don't believe anyone when they say I betrayed your Mum and Da, please, Harry."

"Pafoo sad?"

"Very sad, pet."

Harry's fingers tangled in Sirius's hair and he dropped his head onto his godfather's chest. Sirius's fingers spread over Harry's back, and rocked him gently.

"Harry, I hope you don't like the family you go live with more than me. I hope they're good to you. I hope you go to Hogwarts, make good friends like your father did, get good grades like your mother, get a girlfriend, don't get caught when you're playing pranks like your father and I. Subtlety was never our strong point." Sirius chuckled sadly, and continued, "Harry, I want you to be happy. Get married, have kids, don't let anybody dictate your life. I wish I could be around to help you, but -"

"Sirius, we need t' go."

Sirius stood up. 'Harry, I love you. Please remember that I love you. And your Mum and Da, and your uncle Moony. Don't forget about us." Sirius kissed Harry quickly on the head, and gave him to Hagrid. The small boy squirmed in the giant's arms, and faced Sirius as Hagrid turned to walk off down the street.

"Hagrid."

"Sirius?"

"Do you have a way to get back to Dumbledore?"

"There's a portkey up the road a bit."

"Take my motorbike, Hagrid. It's…over there." Sirius pointed to a shiny handle poking out from a pile of rubble that used to be the Potters' garage, where Lily had reluctantly let Sirius stow his bike. With a sweep of Hagrid's massive hand, the wreckage was cleared off and Hagrid mounted the bike, cradling Harry in the crook of one enormous arm.

The small boy's eyes were filled with tears, and Sirius stared at Harry, trying very hard to fix his face in his memory forever. Sirius's voice cracked with emotion when he said, "Bye, pet. Be good."

Sirius turned, and slowly walked off. Behind him, he could hear the roar of his motorbike, the anguished wail of his godson, and the soothing mutterings of Hagrid. Sirius steeled himself, the motorbike lifted off the ground, and the wails of Harry became piercing and tortured. Sirius couldn't stop himself. He spun around just in time to catch one last look at his godson's wide green eyes and mop of black hair and used this one last chance to prepare himself for the horrible thing he'd have to do next.

Sirius turned back around, and went to find Peter.


End file.
